Miscarriage, Part 2

So I'm going to let that last entry on miscarriage stand just so you don't think I'm utterly without feelings. I realize that I do come off that way sometimes. When the hormones subside though my attitude tends to be more of the "worse things have happened to me" type. Actually, rereading that entry just now I realize it's probably not that obvious how bad I was feeling, but after writing it I actually cried more than I have in a long time.

Regarding non-emotional issues related to miscarriage: last week the doctor told me that we have to wait until after my next real period to start trying again. I am not a patient person. That is not going to be very fun for me. But she said that there's a higher rate of miscarriage for pregnancies that begin immediately after another miscarriage. But you can imagine how seriously I'm going to feel like dealing with birth control when birth is what I want.

Also, last Saturday I went back on my diet. I had gained 8 pounds in about 5 weeks, presumably from the holidays and from being pregnant. But dang girl, 8 pounds??? When we next start trying to get pregnant I don't want to start 8 pounds up. Blegh. My pants were all getting tight (and my bra... that one isn't so bad). I've already come down almost a pound in the last week, so maybe it was a lot of fluid or something and not as much cookies. (Some of it is definitely cookies.)

Miscarriage

Well, I miscarried last week. A week ago Saturday I started spotting. Around Wednesday it changed to bleeding and by the time I got the call from the doctor today saying that I had miscarried (judging from blood hormone levels) it was totally obvious and pretty much over. I heard I would be sad about it and I am. I didn't believe I would be but I am. I want to say that it's all about hormone levels but who really knows. I mean, when does the hormone drop end and the plain old sad begin? There's no telling really.

I'm definitely disappointed. That part I understand. I mean, Chris and I had planned when we would take vacation for the next year to be with the baby the most and my sister was coming to visit to help me pick out maternity clothes in March and I was visualizing how pregnant I would be under my gown at graduation. I just had it all planned out. Or as Brandy would call it, I had been future tripping. And I was so excited so I told tons of people and then on Friday I had to call them all back and tell them I wasn't pregnant anymore. And that was annoying. And it worries me that I'll have more problems carrying a baby. Of course I hear 1 in 4 pregnancies end this way and anyway the hard part tends to be conceiving in the first place. But what if I run out of eggs? So I worry some.

But I didn't expect to be so sad. I mean, what have I lost really? Nothing I ever knew. Ah. It must be the hormone levels, is all I can think.

My mission in life

I've been thinking a lot recently about my purpose, or mission, in life. I'm not really thoughtful enough to be considering my entire life here. I'm talking more of a long term (but not whole life) type of goal.

There's a number of reasons why I'm thinking about this stuff right now, but one of them is finishing grad school. I mean grad school, for all its many unfortunate qualities had one good one, which was I always had a long term goal: to graduate. Now, in grad school I complained about this because it was so long term. When I took up knitting and found it so satisfying my mom pointed out that this was probably because it fulfilled a need for short term goals. Well, now that grad school is over, I'm learning that I apparently need long term goals also. I think I would have sworn otherwise just a few short months ago, but here I am. So what do I do? What is a good long term goal? I had thought about making it having children but that seems like a bad one because it's so out of your control.

So, dear readers, what do you do? Do you have a current mission/purpose/goal in life? What is the thing you are working toward (and I don't really mean at your job)? Or is this a need that not everyone has?

Welcome to my existential crisis (lite).

Interpret my dream

So I had this bizarre dream last night, I'm sure at least partially inspired by the belly landing of that 777 at Heathrow yesterday. In the dream I was on some giant airplane and it had been acting strangely (tilting at weird angles and stuff) before even taking off. Then the pilot comes back to my seat and says, "The passenger manifest says you're a controls engineer, is that right?" I tell her, uh, yeah and she says they need my help. They have me look at this touch screen computer labeled "controller" (ha) and all the while the plane is banking at steep angles. I'm getting nervous because there's clearly nothing I'm going to be able to do with their alleged controller... I ask the pilot, uh, don't you want to be in the cockpit? She says, nah. There's nothing more she can do up there. They have us all take crash position on the floor and then we belly land on the runway. Crazy. Not all that scary really for an airplane crash dream. Funny really.

Yosemite

As promised, photos of Yosemite:

We drove up with Julia and Shannon on Friday evening and thanks to a clever shortcut never hit too much traffic. We stayed at Yosemite Lodge, where they were having some really good specials. We hiked a lot and ate a lot (Yosemite has great food! Who'd have thought?) and generally had a really nice time.

Really REALLY done

Ok, so I know I've been saying I'm done with my Ph.D. for ages now, but this time I really mean it. See here:

My degree was officially conferred, and now I am in every way Dr. T. Yay!

Went to Yosemite this weekend. Many lovely pictures are coming soon.

Thinking about miscarriage

I keep thinking about miscarriage and what it would be like and how likely it is to happen to me. The internet says 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage in the first trimester. I saw another statistic though that says your chance of miscarriage in the first two weeks (i.e., before you would ever know) is 75% and after that it drops to 10%. So that seems better anyway.

The next thing I'm wondering is if it would bother me. I feel like right now it wouldn't. I mean, I would be annoyed that I have to tell all the people I've told I'm pregnant that nevermind, I miscarried. And I would be worried that it's a sign that I'm going to have trouble carrying a baby. But my baby is a worm right now. I mean, I've had no evidence that it exists other than a 2nd blue line on the pregnancy test. And a missed period. Cece told me yesterday, "Did you know that your baby now has a liver and eye buds?" My response was, "Eye buds?!? My baby is a hideous alien! Yuck!" I think this made Cece concerned for my maternal instincts, but seriously, I'm carrying a tiny ugly tube worm. I'll feel maternal when it looks less like an annelid.

But all this is just academic at the moment. Probably I'll feel different as more weeks pass - especially if I've invested something in the pregnancy - like time worshiping at the porcelain throne. Also there's no telling what hormones will do to you. I'm certainly not above hormone induced unreasonableness.

New Years Resolutions

A coworker today asked if I have any new years resolutions. I told him I'm going to exercise more. How cheesy is that? But I actually did go to REI yesterday and buy a trainer so that I can ride my bike inside (safely! warmly! while watching TV!). I decided Monday, Wednesday and Thursday will be biking days, Tuesday dancing days, and weekends I'll exercise if I feel like it. So far so good. Today I biked inside and the trainer was noisy, but it was still pretty fun.

Chris started work today. Poor guy. I do not envy him having to work, write his thesis, AND defend. I thought just the first two were pretty hard to do together. Poor me too... I'm not going to get to see him much until he's done.